The Meg, 2018

Gravity Pictures & Warner Bros. Pictures

You’re telling me there’s a ninety-feet long shark gobbling up everything in sight? You’re telling me that the Megalodon, a creature that lived twenty-six million years ago and then became extinct 2.3 million years ago has somehow come back from the depths of the Mariana Trench, from the Challenger Deep; through a thermal vent in a thermocline that Jimmy Cameron’s DCV1 happened to create while going in during the second manned dive? You’re telling me all this and then you ask Jason Statham to not only go rescue the divers about four-five times, with a harpoon and a pair of snorkels, but also to inject the film with philosophical musings of the existential romantic variety and then you play the two notes on a tuba; the two notes, which once scared the movie-goers outta their summer pool parties and does nothing here but gives birth to a Rorschach of a second-half with another super-sized man-eater. 

Keep the ex out of this. 

You mean you want me to take this seriously? Like the little girl thanking Statham for bringing Captain Frank back up safely?
Ruby Rose was in John Wick 2 and I didn’t notice? She was the mute assassin, trying to kill Wick. Who the fuck wasn’t?
Are you trying to tell me all that in a film two hours long, with Jaws on steroids and Power HorseXXX and Jonas (The Mechanic) Taylor not even equipped with a hair transplant?

Open wide for a yawn – and by the way “Size Does Matter” has already been dealt with in bad taste by Roland Emmerich in 1998… So, yeah!

Please click here to stream on Netflix or on the image above to own a Blu-ray. Go ahead, nobody’s judging.

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